It has been over a year since I typed out some thoughts here. I left off with a post at the end of my degree anxious about what decisions to make and where to go. I am so glad I learnt early on to not be anxious, or at least be aware of the barrier I had raised through my anxiety. If I had known what the year would hold then...well I am just glad I didn't!
Since then I have been to Milton Keynes working for Authentic Media for 6 months,gone freelance and moved to Nottingham.
I have spent almost a year feeling like a spiritual, emotional and physical gypsy. By April my heart was in Lonodon, my head in Milton Keynes and my body in Nottingham. I have lived in 3 different cities, done 3 different jobs, been part of 3 different churches and ended a 2.5 year relationship. I have watched my nan die, been to the funeral of my grandfather and a friend's suicide. I have spent a year with no friends around me and the ending of my best friendship of the last 3 years. And of course there's always the little bits of crap life throws regardless! And so in all it's not been an easy year. It has been fraught with decision making, fraught with heartache and loneliness. Most difficult has been the spiritual lonliness.
God has provided the most wonderful church family for me in Nottingham and this is why, amidst the 'move back to London' cries of my friends I have decided to work things out up here. Emmanuel love Jesus and want to love him more. They want to share Jesus and they want to share their lives with each other. After a year of working in the Christian media industry mixing with all different types of Christians, Emmanuel is refreshing and are fully united around the gospel. I can serve here. It is an absolute priviledge and joy to serve here.
Like a husband, God continues to woo me. To remind me I have no good apart from him. To teach me I have no rights and I desparetly need his grace. He has confronted me with myself as all my 'comforts' stripped away I discover I really don't love him much. With just how self destructive I am. But for the grace of God I am a ticking time bomb of spiritual disaster. But grace has called my name.
I have discovered that truly the name of Jesus is sweet in a believer's ear. It soothes my sorrows, heals my wounds and drives away my fears.
And I am so undeserving.
see how transparent they are... for more than shells