see how transparent they are... for more than shells

Tuesday, 23 September 2008

Cause I'll just make the same mistake again

This evening I have been mostly wandering around my house, glass of wine in hand, thinking about Genesis 3 and sin. I am leading housegroup through it tonight and the more I think about it, the more my stomach is turned.

Obviously the effects are far reaching; running from God, nakedness, harshness of the land, pain in childbirth, meaninglessness of toil that man returns to earth he works, banished from the kingdom. Death.

The relationships of God with man, man with woman, human with earth are destroyed. It's heartbreaking. It's stomach turning, gut renching, heart breaking stuff....especially considering the perfection that went before.

At the end of Genesis 2, Adam has sung this wonderful song as finally after all the years it has taken to name the hundreds of animals and finding no helper suitable for him, he is given Eve. Finally, THIS is bone of his bones, flesh of his flesh. The ultimate love song, rapture and joy. And they become one flesh in complete union.

Fast forward a few verses and he's blaming her, no, blaming GOD for giving him her and for her sin. And this is repeated throughout history for ever more. Just a very small example of the complete chaotic disaster rebellion creates.
"Her desire shall be for her husband and he shall over her."

Tonight at housegroup I am going to play 'Mistake' by James Blunt
Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep.
Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars beneath my feet.
Remember rights that I did wrong, so here I go.
Hello, hello. There is no place I cannot go.
My mind is muddy but my heart is heavy. Does it show?
I lose the track that loses me, so here I go.
And so I sent some men to fight, and one came back at dead of night.
Said he'd seen my enemy. Said he looked just like me,
So I set out to cut myself and here I go.
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.
'Cause I'll just make the same mistake again.
And maybe someday we will meet, and maybe talk and not just speak.
Don't buy the promises 'cause, there are no promises I keep.
And my reflection troubles me, so here I go.
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.
'Cause I'll just make the same mistake,
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.
'Cause I'll just make the same mistake again.
Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep.
Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars.
Look at the stars fall down.
And wonder where did I go wrong.

And yes, praise God that next week CAN happen...the moment we move on from the perished kingdom to the promised kingdom...

Saturday, 20 September 2008

The earth trembles when he looks at it.

After being bought up in a Christian family, the Bible can become so over familiar. Sometimes, when I hear a sermon that opens a pasage or an idea about God, his world, or his plan in a powerful way I am moved to tears. Sometimes when I grasp something for the first time in my own reading, or am reminded of something I am moved to tears. Rarely however am I moved to tears over the same passage again and again by just reading it. But, Psalm 104 does this to me.

It's just this unbelievable description of God's work in creation. His bigness, his majesty, his power his total and utter control of the whole entire thing. It's mind blowing.

It ends like this:
"May the glory of the LORD endure for ever; may the LORD rejoice in his works,
who looks on the earth and it trembles,
who touches the mountains and they smoke!

I will sing to the LORD as long as I live;
I will sing praise to my God while I have being.
May my meditation be pleasing to him,
for I rejoice in the LORD."

Phew...despite all the incredibleness of an incredible God's hand in creation, not only does he HEAR my meditation and my singing but it's quite possible for it to be PLEASING to him.

He who just LOOKS on the earth and it trembles hears my song, hears my thoughts and beause of Jesus, they are pleasing to him.

Friday, 19 September 2008


I never thought having a kitten could re-orient your life so much. I can imagine 5% of what it must be like to have a baby!

Kedi is 7 weeks old. She has beautiful green eyes and every day she gets more playful, can jump higher, run faster, eat quicker.

She is very precious. She doesn't like being alone and will hang out wherever I am, greet me with a squeel and full paced run when I walk through the door.

She is mastering the litter tray and is getting used to sleeping by herself.

Catnip drives her wild with excitement.

And I like to think Kedi is very lucky to have me. The reality of course, is the other way round.

Monday, 15 September 2008

How sweet

It has been over a year since I typed out some thoughts here. I left off with a post at the end of my degree anxious about what decisions to make and where to go. I am so glad I learnt early on to not be anxious, or at least be aware of the barrier I had raised through my anxiety. If I had known what the year would hold then...well I am just glad I didn't!

Since then I have been to Milton Keynes working for Authentic Media for 6 months,gone freelance and moved to Nottingham.

I have spent almost a year feeling like a spiritual, emotional and physical gypsy. By April my heart was in Lonodon, my head in Milton Keynes and my body in Nottingham. I have lived in 3 different cities, done 3 different jobs, been part of 3 different churches and ended a 2.5 year relationship. I have watched my nan die, been to the funeral of my grandfather and a friend's suicide. I have spent a year with no friends around me and the ending of my best friendship of the last 3 years. And of course there's always the little bits of crap life throws regardless! And so in all it's not been an easy year. It has been fraught with decision making, fraught with heartache and loneliness. Most difficult has been the spiritual lonliness.

God has provided the most wonderful church family for me in Nottingham and this is why, amidst the 'move back to London' cries of my friends I have decided to work things out up here. Emmanuel love Jesus and want to love him more. They want to share Jesus and they want to share their lives with each other. After a year of working in the Christian media industry mixing with all different types of Christians, Emmanuel is refreshing and are fully united around the gospel. I can serve here. It is an absolute priviledge and joy to serve here.

Like a husband, God continues to woo me. To remind me I have no good apart from him. To teach me I have no rights and I desparetly need his grace. He has confronted me with myself as all my 'comforts' stripped away I discover I really don't love him much. With just how self destructive I am. But for the grace of God I am a ticking time bomb of spiritual disaster. But grace has called my name.

I have discovered that truly the name of Jesus is sweet in a believer's ear. It soothes my sorrows, heals my wounds and drives away my fears.

And I am so undeserving.