see how transparent they are... for more than shells

Monday, 23 April 2007

the air is so much clearer here

Six weeks ago I surveyed the thousands of words in front of me and had a mild panic. In desperate need of miracles I prayed. 5 weeks later I have almost finished my degree and am astounded at the amount of words I have written. Being daunted opens up some space for God to break through my self assurance and remind me hes actually pretty good at the equipping thing. and hes also pretty good at the miracle thing.

Two weeks ago I surveyed the uncertainty of the coming year and had a mild panic. Feeling a sense of pressure to move to Nottingham and being so unsure of the wisdom of this and a real deep unhappiness at the thought, whilst not being sure of the way through. In desperate need of miracles I prayed. 5 hours later I came off the phone having heard Pod say 'I really don't feel at peace about a move for us yet and it would actually put more pressure on us to do so." Being in a mental block, not seeing viable options but needing one opens up space for God to break through and reveal he is the God of big ideas. I may naturally be an ideas person but he always has been and always will be the author of the great ones.

On Saturday I was voted in as chair of student council. I survey the responsibility this is and have a little panic. I don't feel I possess the wisdom and quick thinking this role requires. I need a miracle and will pray as such. Being daunted and lacking in wisdom opens up space to reveal himself as the author of all wisdom.

I still remain daunted by the prospect of loving Pod. of being self-sacrifical, of being patient and giving, of laying aside my needs for his. Of loving and forgiving in the way the gospel asks me to. It is possible to panic and in need of miracles, I pray every day to have a heart that is not my own, that loves in a way that the gospel requires. To love with a supernatual love. God has and always will be the author of perfect love.

Being daunted, having mild panics and needing miracles reminds me of my weakness, it reminds me of my need for God in a country and a time when it's easy to be self-sufficient.

After all I cannot even breathe without God giving it to me. Air. fresh air. life giving air. His air.

Friday, 20 April 2007

a little bit like nirvana

According to Ed ( my blogs are like Nirvana's music. I rather like the comparisons he draws.

ED: "'inthesource' was like your Nevermind. Came from nowhere, hugely popular across a wide spectrum, much liked and deservedly so. except you were never in it for the fame. and you felt restricted by it, by people's expectations of what you would write and by the fact that so many people were watching you. you so went loy key and low-fi with 'lookatmyshells' just like In Utero. Stripped down, obscure a bit hidden. hoping you'd get your integrity back and peopel would judge yr art for who you are. and your legacy to the bloggin world is the 365, and your actual 365 is like the Nirvana b-sides and rarities. good to listen to, reminds you of the old days, nothing to judge"

I like how insightful this is. It pretty much sums up how I feel about my blogs.

I think I am also keenly aware of the self obsessive reflective ego centric society we live in and see blogs in once sense as an expression of that. THat's not to say blogs are necessarily bad but sociologically I find it slightly unnerving at times.

Still, like anything we can enjoy the wonder of God's creativity through man in technology and go forth and make art!

Wednesday, 11 April 2007