"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind." (James,1:5-8)
God knocked me for six at church this morning and brought me crashing to my knees in repentence for my self sufficeincy and my anxiety over the future rather than asking for wisdom from the One who's very essence is The Giver.
And being the Giver he gave words to the vicars wife as she prayed for me that were so spot on what I needed to hear. Not necessarily what I wanted to hear; ie what I'm suppsed to do, but beauitful words of encouragement to not fear making wrong choices, to not be anxious, to take steps of faith. That God will use me and my gifts in whatever I choose to do.
It's painful when the shutters rise and I realise how I've been putting barriers up to hearing God through the idol of anxiety. Repentence is hard, but God is so gracious and loves to give generously of his wisdom and of his peace.
Sunday, 13 May 2007
Saturday, 5 May 2007
a bit of a journey
Well, It's over...My three years at Goldsmiths college have come to an end. whilst I am so pleased all the work is done, I am gutted. I have absolutely loved being at Goldsmiths, I have loved being a student. Even in the bleakest days I have never wanted it to be over or wanted to leave. I think that might be rare.
God has been so good, so faithful and so pateint these last 3 years. I can also say the same for Pod for this last term, though that might liken him to God and...er..yeah...anyway...
It seems like such a long time ago I moved into halls in New Cross, age 20. Even for that I am so grateful to God that I wasnt there at 18. In everything over the 3 years I can see God's hand leading and guiding, teaching and discipling, loving, caring, encouraging.
For the huge influence UCCF has had over the time here both through being part of CU, leading CU, loving CU - it being my family, and 121s with Esther Chilvers and Anna Mac, for Bib evang, Forum, Student Council, and just a big baptism in grace. Grace extended to me, grace taught to me, grace in it's application to all areas of life. Grace freeing me to enjoy all the good things God has given me. A freedom.
For some amazing friendships formed along the way mostly in my first year and now. And the bits in between; faithfulness through lonliness, through self-imposed lonliness and simply London lonliness.
For great oportunities to share the gospel through CU, with my housemates (who continue to break my heart), with randoms, tutors and lecturers. For the exciting, direct answers to prayer and prophetic, to the mundane day-in-day out relentless words that appear to go nowhere.
For my wonderful church that has taught me about community, taught me about loving others well, for loving the unloveable. For teaching me more of the carasmatic and keeping me safe. For being patient with me and teaching me of grace through their actions, their honesty, their lives.
For my brilliant degree that has increased my mind, given me a love for the untold stories, for opening my eyes to ways of seeing and knowing things that are grey. For coming to an understanding that their is no truth in lived expereince and not having to give up beliveing there is truth passe. For over the 3 years being able to pick through theory, to critique, to enjoy and to come out more in love with Jesus, despite seemingly anti-God ideas. For tutors and lecturers who have been inspiring and have listened to me, encouraged me and given me confidence in my ability.
For Pod; his love, his care and thoughfulness. His genuine desire to help me grow in grace and become more like Christ. His deisre to love me better. For his growth, for his perserverance and committment to the relationship through hard times. For his speed to repentence, his desire to love Jesus more and grow in the gospel. For all being with him has taught me about my selfishness and my inability to love well without miracles. For the fun, the knocking off rough edges, the chats, the tears, the laughs, the growth.
For a love of the martial arts and the communities and friendships that bought, for being able to use my body in ways I'd never thought I could.
For all these things and more I am so grateful to God. For a three years of stretching my mind, body and soul, for growing in grace and in the gospel. For bringing me through, for teaching me, for being patient, for bringing some amazing people into my life to speak the hard words, the soft words, to love and to care.
Grace and faithfulness.
How sweet the Name of Jesus sounds
In a believer’s ear!
It soothes my sorrows, heals my wounds,
And drives away my fear.
Dear Name, the Rock on which I build,
My Shield and Hiding Place,
My never failing treasury, filled
With boundless stores of grace!
God has been so good, so faithful and so pateint these last 3 years. I can also say the same for Pod for this last term, though that might liken him to God and...er..yeah...anyway...
It seems like such a long time ago I moved into halls in New Cross, age 20. Even for that I am so grateful to God that I wasnt there at 18. In everything over the 3 years I can see God's hand leading and guiding, teaching and discipling, loving, caring, encouraging.
For the huge influence UCCF has had over the time here both through being part of CU, leading CU, loving CU - it being my family, and 121s with Esther Chilvers and Anna Mac, for Bib evang, Forum, Student Council, and just a big baptism in grace. Grace extended to me, grace taught to me, grace in it's application to all areas of life. Grace freeing me to enjoy all the good things God has given me. A freedom.
For some amazing friendships formed along the way mostly in my first year and now. And the bits in between; faithfulness through lonliness, through self-imposed lonliness and simply London lonliness.
For great oportunities to share the gospel through CU, with my housemates (who continue to break my heart), with randoms, tutors and lecturers. For the exciting, direct answers to prayer and prophetic, to the mundane day-in-day out relentless words that appear to go nowhere.
For my wonderful church that has taught me about community, taught me about loving others well, for loving the unloveable. For teaching me more of the carasmatic and keeping me safe. For being patient with me and teaching me of grace through their actions, their honesty, their lives.
For my brilliant degree that has increased my mind, given me a love for the untold stories, for opening my eyes to ways of seeing and knowing things that are grey. For coming to an understanding that their is no truth in lived expereince and not having to give up beliveing there is truth passe. For over the 3 years being able to pick through theory, to critique, to enjoy and to come out more in love with Jesus, despite seemingly anti-God ideas. For tutors and lecturers who have been inspiring and have listened to me, encouraged me and given me confidence in my ability.
For Pod; his love, his care and thoughfulness. His genuine desire to help me grow in grace and become more like Christ. His deisre to love me better. For his growth, for his perserverance and committment to the relationship through hard times. For his speed to repentence, his desire to love Jesus more and grow in the gospel. For all being with him has taught me about my selfishness and my inability to love well without miracles. For the fun, the knocking off rough edges, the chats, the tears, the laughs, the growth.
For a love of the martial arts and the communities and friendships that bought, for being able to use my body in ways I'd never thought I could.
For all these things and more I am so grateful to God. For a three years of stretching my mind, body and soul, for growing in grace and in the gospel. For bringing me through, for teaching me, for being patient, for bringing some amazing people into my life to speak the hard words, the soft words, to love and to care.
Grace and faithfulness.
How sweet the Name of Jesus sounds
In a believer’s ear!
It soothes my sorrows, heals my wounds,
And drives away my fear.
Dear Name, the Rock on which I build,
My Shield and Hiding Place,
My never failing treasury, filled
With boundless stores of grace!
Monday, 23 April 2007
the air is so much clearer here
Six weeks ago I surveyed the thousands of words in front of me and had a mild panic. In desperate need of miracles I prayed. 5 weeks later I have almost finished my degree and am astounded at the amount of words I have written. Being daunted opens up some space for God to break through my self assurance and remind me hes actually pretty good at the equipping thing. and hes also pretty good at the miracle thing.
Two weeks ago I surveyed the uncertainty of the coming year and had a mild panic. Feeling a sense of pressure to move to Nottingham and being so unsure of the wisdom of this and a real deep unhappiness at the thought, whilst not being sure of the way through. In desperate need of miracles I prayed. 5 hours later I came off the phone having heard Pod say 'I really don't feel at peace about a move for us yet and it would actually put more pressure on us to do so." Being in a mental block, not seeing viable options but needing one opens up space for God to break through and reveal he is the God of big ideas. I may naturally be an ideas person but he always has been and always will be the author of the great ones.
On Saturday I was voted in as chair of student council. I survey the responsibility this is and have a little panic. I don't feel I possess the wisdom and quick thinking this role requires. I need a miracle and will pray as such. Being daunted and lacking in wisdom opens up space to reveal himself as the author of all wisdom.
I still remain daunted by the prospect of loving Pod. of being self-sacrifical, of being patient and giving, of laying aside my needs for his. Of loving and forgiving in the way the gospel asks me to. It is possible to panic and in need of miracles, I pray every day to have a heart that is not my own, that loves in a way that the gospel requires. To love with a supernatual love. God has and always will be the author of perfect love.
Being daunted, having mild panics and needing miracles reminds me of my weakness, it reminds me of my need for God in a country and a time when it's easy to be self-sufficient.
After all I cannot even breathe without God giving it to me. Air. fresh air. life giving air. His air.
Two weeks ago I surveyed the uncertainty of the coming year and had a mild panic. Feeling a sense of pressure to move to Nottingham and being so unsure of the wisdom of this and a real deep unhappiness at the thought, whilst not being sure of the way through. In desperate need of miracles I prayed. 5 hours later I came off the phone having heard Pod say 'I really don't feel at peace about a move for us yet and it would actually put more pressure on us to do so." Being in a mental block, not seeing viable options but needing one opens up space for God to break through and reveal he is the God of big ideas. I may naturally be an ideas person but he always has been and always will be the author of the great ones.
On Saturday I was voted in as chair of student council. I survey the responsibility this is and have a little panic. I don't feel I possess the wisdom and quick thinking this role requires. I need a miracle and will pray as such. Being daunted and lacking in wisdom opens up space to reveal himself as the author of all wisdom.
I still remain daunted by the prospect of loving Pod. of being self-sacrifical, of being patient and giving, of laying aside my needs for his. Of loving and forgiving in the way the gospel asks me to. It is possible to panic and in need of miracles, I pray every day to have a heart that is not my own, that loves in a way that the gospel requires. To love with a supernatual love. God has and always will be the author of perfect love.
Being daunted, having mild panics and needing miracles reminds me of my weakness, it reminds me of my need for God in a country and a time when it's easy to be self-sufficient.
After all I cannot even breathe without God giving it to me. Air. fresh air. life giving air. His air.
Friday, 20 April 2007
a little bit like nirvana
According to Ed (http://edsfalliblethoughts.blogspot.com) my blogs are like Nirvana's music. I rather like the comparisons he draws.
I like how insightful this is. It pretty much sums up how I feel about my blogs.
I think I am also keenly aware of the self obsessive reflective ego centric society we live in and see blogs in once sense as an expression of that. THat's not to say blogs are necessarily bad but sociologically I find it slightly unnerving at times.
Still, like anything we can enjoy the wonder of God's creativity through man in technology and go forth and make art!
ED: "'inthesource' was like your Nevermind. Came from nowhere, hugely popular across a wide spectrum, much liked and deservedly so. except you were never in it for the fame. and you felt restricted by it, by people's expectations of what you would write and by the fact that so many people were watching you. you so went loy key and low-fi with 'lookatmyshells' just like In Utero. Stripped down, obscure a bit hidden. hoping you'd get your integrity back and peopel would judge yr art for who you are. and your legacy to the bloggin world is the 365, and your actual 365 is like the Nirvana b-sides and rarities. good to listen to, reminds you of the old days, nothing to judge"
I like how insightful this is. It pretty much sums up how I feel about my blogs.
I think I am also keenly aware of the self obsessive reflective ego centric society we live in and see blogs in once sense as an expression of that. THat's not to say blogs are necessarily bad but sociologically I find it slightly unnerving at times.
Still, like anything we can enjoy the wonder of God's creativity through man in technology and go forth and make art!
Wednesday, 11 April 2007
Monday, 26 March 2007
He is the same God.
"Great is your faithfulness Great is your faithfulness you never change, You never fail oh God."Intellectually I understand and have always understood this to be true, but yesterday as I sung those words in church I realised that I wasnt really believing them, living them.
I realised that in the midst of millions of words to write in a few weeks that doesn't seem possible and the pressure of making a decision about next year that rests on so many things and many painful goodbyes no matter the decision. One way or the other september will bring tears. That doesn't always feel good, though I do know I am blessed to have options.
At the same time in this time of uncertainty and pressure I was reminded again that God is faithful. Not in a whimsical sort of way but in that He doesn't change. He is the same miracle working God today as He was at times when I led friends to him. He is the same miracle working God today as He was at time when I saw him heal friends, when I saw 'huge' answers to prayer. He is the same, He doesn't change.
I change, my life changes. He doesn't. He is still the same miracle working, faithful God who hears my cries. He is the same miracle working, faithful God who loves me, who delights in me and sings over me. He is the same miracle working, faithful God who requires of me to love mercy, act justly and walk humbly with him. No matter my circumstances, my fears, my anxities.
And with perspective it ceases to be about me. And I walk in peace and confidence.
Saturday, 24 March 2007
This always happens. Blogging block.
When I first started blogging it was a way of creatively expressing my thoughts; sometimes trivial, sometimes important, mostly trivial. Or a verse, a song, a peice of writing, something that was meaningful. Then everyone started blogigng and I think I got overwhelmed by the potential and also the formula. Some people write about their day, some people write about God, some people cover up the crap and talk about the good, some people just write whatever. I never know what to do.
Not becuase I haven't got stuff I could say but writing it down, putting it out there is like saying "hey world, you should read this." I feel slightly arrogant. I also feel a sense of the fear of man; wanting to write something well, or interesting or positive or that makes me look great is always a temptation. I don't want to be fake but I also don't want to be 'real' for the sake of being 'real'.
It was why I ended my last blog becuase so many people read it and I felt I was putting on a show, too concerned about how people would think about me through my blog. Both the good and the bad. I didn't want to edit to encourage fear of man in myself. I long only to fear God.
And so I get bloggers block.
When I first started blogging it was a way of creatively expressing my thoughts; sometimes trivial, sometimes important, mostly trivial. Or a verse, a song, a peice of writing, something that was meaningful. Then everyone started blogigng and I think I got overwhelmed by the potential and also the formula. Some people write about their day, some people write about God, some people cover up the crap and talk about the good, some people just write whatever. I never know what to do.
Not becuase I haven't got stuff I could say but writing it down, putting it out there is like saying "hey world, you should read this." I feel slightly arrogant. I also feel a sense of the fear of man; wanting to write something well, or interesting or positive or that makes me look great is always a temptation. I don't want to be fake but I also don't want to be 'real' for the sake of being 'real'.
It was why I ended my last blog becuase so many people read it and I felt I was putting on a show, too concerned about how people would think about me through my blog. Both the good and the bad. I didn't want to edit to encourage fear of man in myself. I long only to fear God.
And so I get bloggers block.
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